Sticking to the "real" me

Heidi ho, poppits!

I've had this blog running through my head since Friday, so I think I'll just get right to it, if you don't mind...

I began my day Friday with a knock 'em down, drag 'em out fight. Not an actual fist fight, although at one point I imagined I was inflicting physical pain. I was part of a verbal sparring match that left my heart bruised and my head exhausted. Lemme give you some background...

As you know, I've been working on contract in Mississauga. Besides myself and my friend, Aubrey, there is another woman on the team. She is smart, funny and has gained alot of technical and data knowledge in a short period of time. I appreciate and value what she brings to the table. On occasion, I let her know what I think of her work.

For the past week-ish, I've been butting heads with this woman, quite often receiving comments that were confrontational and bordering disrespectful. It's been challenging for me, to say the least. People who know me well would say I am "challenged" because I have this crazy need to have everyone like me. Add to it my incredible discomfort with confrontation and you've got a storm brewing. Can you see where this is going?!?

Friday things came to a head. We were in a team meeting and we ended up having a fight. Clearly things had been building up for this woman and she let me have it all. What was really weird for me, however, was my reaction. As I heard her say things like...

"I don't need your patronizing compliments. I don't care what you think." and...

"Every time you ask me a question I feel like you're challenging me. You don't have the right to challenge me." And...

"I don't report to you. I don't have to explain myself" ... And...

"You don't add any value to this process"...

OIE!! As she was going on and on and ON, I was having this discussion in my head. I was balancing an urge to lash out with my words and hurt her like she was hurting me against my desire to remain true to my commitment to be respectful in all conversations, leaving the person with their dignity and self-respect. This position has taken ALOT of work on my part to achieve and, on that Friday morning, I was having my own internal battle over my response. It was a very surreal experience, truth be told.

What happened? Well, I resisted my urge to use profanity and to verbally rip her to shreds. I did, however, defend myself and mentioned that I refuse to change who I was because she couldn't handle it. OF course, I used more words than that, but that was the gist of the message I gave her.

After we each took a break, we regrouped. She said she was feeling very frustrated because she had been doing all kinds of work and the project was not moving forward. She said she had taken her frustration out on me and asked for my forgiveness. WOW!! At that point, it didn't matter what she said before, I knew the REAL reason for her lashing out. It wasn't really about me. It was about HER frustration. And, btw, how amazing was she to be able to admit that to me AND to ask for my forgiveness?!? I sure learned a lesson in humility on that day. Oh, and I like her even more now.

So, what are my takeaways from this encounter?

* First of all, even during the toughest of times, staying true to who you are feels AMAZING!

* It's not always about me. I know...shocking! OK, so maybe there really were things I've done that have pissed her off. I get that. But at the end of the day, what she acknowledged was that it wasn't about me. ooh...maybe she likes me now ...

* At Adler, they teach you to listen to the words behind the words - understand what's going on under the surface. With this woman, there was more to it than just my behaviors. If I'd had my coaching cap on, would I have been able to sense the deeper frustration? Would I have been able to hear phrases or words that indicated something else was going on? Perhaps, but in this particular case it didn't matter. She was a big enough person to admit to the frustration and how cool is that?

I wanted to blog about this event because it really shook me up. The ranting of this person and the horrible words she chose reminded me of a few of my old bosses. It took me back to times I thought I'd forgotten and vowed I would never repeat. I promised myself I would never allow someone to bully or abuse me in the workplace again, and this felt like both. What made me proud was that I stood up for myself and I said I would not change who I was because she was uncomfortable with me. AND, I believe I did it in a respectful way. That felt great!

Poppits, remember the amazing things about yourself and never, ever, EVER let anyone make you question them.

Stay true, be proud and ROCK ON!!

Signing off with a mirror pointed at you. Check out the SUPERCOOLHAPPYLOVETHING staring back at 'cha! Ooh mama....smokin'....
(a)yt xox